Friday, September 28, 2007

"They say she used to be nice."

I've gotten a couple of super funny jokes in my email recently, and this is another one I've got to share! And maybe it's a 'cheater post' but, it makes it much easier to get something posted, so I don't have to think while I have The Plague. (And why am I the only one in my family who hasn't gotten rid of it yet?) Which leads to another question about moms...why can't we EVER call in sick???

This is also my message to the men of the world: Say NO to drugs and YES to chores! Because it's true...Mothers don't do spare time.

Why God Made Moms

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make Mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are Mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your Mother & not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1 . Moms work at work and work at home & Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power, cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's house.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Why did the chicken cross the road?

My Aunt Carol sent me this joke, and it is the funniest joke ever...especially if you read it with that person's voice in your head!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
earn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the
other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the f irst time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C .. ...

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Conversations with Claire

*Overheard between Claire and Daddy/Steven:

Claire: I know what the difference is between boys and girls.

Steven: What's that?

Claire: Well, guys only know about cooking and a little bit of cleaning.
Girls know about make-up and fashion. So, that's why they have
to have different bathrooms!

Steven: You're exactly right, Claire.

ROFL!!! You can guess who does the cooking around this house!

On another note: the two little children who I thought just had colds on Monday
ended up with a sick Mommy on Tuesday, and we've all been sick the rest of the week. I actually was/am sick enough that I went out and FINALLY got myself a doctor, since I haven't had one in the more than 2 years that we've been here. Apparently, we have a 'plague like virus' that won't go words, not the doctor's. It is a virus, though, but I can't imagine that the plague felt any worse than this. I tried to send Ethan back to school on Wednesday because I truly thought he was doing better, but the nurse called and sent him back home because he had started running a fever again. They are doing good now, though. I thought I was doing better, but I was wrong. I thought my worse day was last Wednesday, when I had completely lost my voice. It came back...sorta...even though my mom said she didn't recognize my voice on the phone yesterday. Today, I somehow slipped into a virtual coma and slept until 5:00 PM!!! Totally and completely slept through and lost an entire day! Oh, and when I woke up, my voice was gone again. Ethan told me if I didn't drink so many Dr Pepper's I wouldn't be sick. Who does he think he is??? I called him a "blasphemous traitor" and told him that if there was any more talk like that, I'd have to kick him to the curb. He laughed and laughed, then suddenly got this serious look on his face, looked sideways at me and said, "Really?" LOL! When I said no and started laughing, he started laughing again, and told me to drink some orange juice. lol! Balancing right on that edge!

Now I've been up for 4 1/2 hours, and I think it's time for me to go to bed again. Sleep tight, everyone!

Monday, September 17, 2007

I've finally realized...

"Crazy" is my new normal. I always think it's crazy here and think to myself, "As soon as 'this thing' is over, things will quiet down." But as soon as 'that thing' is through, a new thing comes along. Today it came along in the form of 2 sick little ones: Ethan and Claire. Claire has come down with a bad cold/sinus infection or something; but Ethan is "sick" mostly because Claire is. He has had some problems with allergies, I think, recently though, so I have them both going to the doctor this morning. He can go back to school tomorrow, but I know I will keep Claire home at least another day...which will be kind of nice really. I miss the Old Days already!

Oh, and about the nun picture in my previous post...earlier this year I posted about Allison asking me if I had ever pretended to be a nun when I was a kid. Steven, my mom and I all about popped a gut over that one! rofl!!! My mom just happened to come across a picture of two nuns in the newspaper shortly after that, and took one of the nuns out and put me in! I still laugh every time I look at it, and I keep it on my desk. If you want to read the original post, here it is...

Time to go get ready for the doctor...she might appreciate a shower.

Friday, September 14, 2007

I'm still here...

Having to take a little unexpected break from the computer as things are just too busy! They should settle down next week so, I'll be back!