Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Just when is a person committable???

Is it when they've been crying since last Thursday? When they want to release all the pressure by blowing their fucking brains out? Or is it when they start thinking that Andrea Yates had a good idea???

But if you can still rationalize that these are all bad ideas, does that mean you are still ok? Or are you bad because you thought them anyway?

I really believe that Ethan is mine for a reason, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why! I'm so wrong for him. So bad! No one who was good for him would think these things. He has so much he is going to have to fight through, and on top of it all he has me making it worse! If he ends up killing himself one day, the blame is squarely on me. Sometimes, I think he would be better off without me, then I think no one else will ever love him as much as I do, and no one else will ever fight for him like I do, and will. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy, but I'm not doing a very good job in helping him achieve those goals.


laurie said...

Big HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

Lori said...

I know exactly what you are saying Lauri. I felt the same way with Dustin. And even with Ben I know that there is a way to 'handle' him and yet I keep reverting to the yelling and saying that he's making me crazy. I've said it a million times. I believe that we absolutely do the best that we can. It might be all wrong...but it's the best we could do...ya know? We just keep plugging away. Plugging away at the system. Plugging away at the family. Plugging away at ourselves. Plugging away at the dealing with the child/ren with issues. We stumble, we fall face first, we think we will never come up for air...and then, for some reason, it's all ok for the moment. When Dustin was small I saw a therapist...the therapist was the one who kept me grounded. He let me know that what I was doing was hard. That Dustin was an extremely tough kid to handle and I wouldn't be able to handle him like I would a 'normal' kid. He let me know that I was doing ok. He let me know that I would in fact survive his childhood. He also let me know that if he and my own mother hadn't driven me insane already I would NEVER go insane. lol My will be ok. You just need to talk, you need support, you need a friggen break!