Saturday, November 19, 2005

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day...

I don't know why. Really. Everything was normal. Well, yes I do...I'm just frustrated. I guess I have finally come to the realization that I will never be able to go back to work, yet I still feel the need to do something that is all about me...not wife, not mother, blah, blah, blah...just Lauri. Lauri Smith. She's smart, she's capable, she can make a difference. She used to make a difference. She used to teach-young children in Montessori school, so she actually had some impact on their lives. Then she was a social worker...actually was the Director of a shelter for abused women and their children. Also did Community Education on that topic...went out and talked to groups of all kinds. Even took place in many very memorable one in front of the Houston City Hall. It even made the news, and the clip that they used was of ME speaking! (It was a rather dramatic demonstration.) I've also taken part in deomonstrations for other social issues that I strongly believe in.

I also always wanted to stay home with my children, especially when they were young. So, I worked up until the day Allison was born...actually was planning on going to work that morning, but woke up in labor at 5 am! Haven't been back since. I've tried doing volunteer stuff, but that never works out either. Apparently, volunteers are never needed in the evenings or on weekends. Only 9-5, Monday-Friday...times I don't have childcare for one or more kids.

But, I always thought I would be able to go back to work eventually. And not just for me, but for my family, too. It is very hard to support a family of 5 on one income. Steven has a good income, and it keeps us going day to day, but that's not saving for the future...retirement, college for the kids, stuff like that...and I would like to be able to help with that.

However, I have come to the realization that my going back to work will probably never happen. Having a child like Ethan, a child with mental illness (or any child) who requires doctor's appointments WEEKLY, not to mention all the teacher conferences, speech therapist conferences, school psychologist conferences, 504 meetings, ARD reviews, being there to be able to give him his medications at the right time, being there to try to somehow help and manage his meltdowns and reactions to changes (though I never really do seem to be able to help) AND whatever else happens to come along with a child diagnosed with Severe ADHD, Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar Disorder, tends to cut into a work schedule big time. I have thought about having my own business as a consultant to other parents of children who don't quite fit into the public school system and need help to get the services the school system SHOULD be providing but try as hard as they can to AVOID providing, but, they would probably want to see some kind of credentials and I don't think a BA in Psychology and Child Development would be what they were looking for; even though I have been advocating for my own child through the school system for 3 years and have pretty much learned how to get what I want/Ethan needs. Hell, the ARD review team in Kingwood (before we moved here) told me I need to go back and get my MA in Education and be a school counselor. But...I would rather help the children get what they need rather than help the school decide who should get what and how much. Just a funny my last meeting with Ethan's Speech Therapist, I got her to talk herself into calling in the School Psychologist for extra testing! lol! point at the beginning was that I need an outlet for myself and my creativity. That was the point of getting "The Machine". And I thought since it was something I could do at home, I would get to do it a lot. Ha! Silly me! And it just isn't working out the way I thought it would. And when Ethan came home yesterday afternoon and punched Allison and Claire in their noses, and Claire's nose was actually bleeding, that was about all I could take.

Every once in a while it all just comes crumbling down.

So, when Steven got home, I just hunkered down on the couch...passed out about 6:30. The next thing I know it's 10:15, and Steven is waking me up and telling me to go get into bed...he has it all ready. It is so hard to be Ethan's parent, and I could never do it without Steven. Yesterday (and many, many times before) he came home to a family who was completely broken down, and was somehow able to pull it all back together. People always tell me how lucky I am to have married someone like him but I tell them that I wouldn't have settled for anything less. Why would someone settle for anyone who wouldn't be willing to come home and scoop you up and make you feel safe and loved?

Wow! For someone who sat down to blog but wasn't sure what to blog about, I sure did come up with something! I could take any one of these subjects here and do a whole other blog about it separately.

I hope anyone who reads this can follow my train of thought!



Shari said...

Hello from your new best friend!!! I read all of the flattering comments that you left on my blog earlier today and wanted to get in touch with you right away---but alas, no email address! So, curioius about you, I found your blog and here I am placing comments! I understand all that you are saying and relate to much of it---even though I am way older than you. Doing art has changed my life. It makes me happy and is helping me to find me again. I raised five children and I am now raising my 3 yr. old grandson (and yes, I too watch PBS, Nick & Disney all day). I can't wait to get to know you better. I would truly be honored if you would link my blog to yours and I would love to do the same with yours. By the way, how did you find mine??


mommyov5 said...

hugs to you Lauri, it is so hard with a child that has needs like Ethan does, but remember you are making a differnce in his life. :-)

Hayley said...

awwww...Lauri...I'm so sorry, sweetie! **BIG HUGS TO YOU!!** If it makes you feel any better, I'm going through MAJOR postpartum blues...if we lived near each other we'd SOOOO BE HITTIN' THE LOCAL STARBUCK'S!!!

"Roo" sends her love to her "Cyber God-Mother" :o)

LindyLoo said...

Well hello there missy, thank you so much for leaving a comment on my space, I think we have LOTS in commom, you and I! Hope your night out wasn't so bad, it can be very wearing doing all that 'acting' and 'putting on a face'. I'd love to hear how it went xx

kimzbuzz said...

Exactly...your days never ensure one thing except for the obvious. Now when at the end of the hellatious day the love of your life is there for you to melt in their arms or scoop you up and make the day seem no longer a pain that is PRiCElesS!! Hugs to you sweetie! I am not a parent but one day hope to be a parent as patient as you! the kid...a parent..uhhhhh...uhhh...maybe???

kim :o)

kimzbuzz said... an ADHD girl and with MDD disorder going on LOTS of years now...i can just imagine what you are going through taking Ethan to doc after doc week after week. i encourage you that this is not all done in vain but the most important part of a child's life knowing his/her parent(s) are supporting them all the way with out praise. no you will have days that are like hell and even weeks like hell. just hang in there...those times will make your family a stronger bond!!

i do not have the extent of his disorder but i had several other illnesses along with the above. i know there were days my parents wanted to kill me and just give up never knowing if their daughter would spike and keep a 103 degree fever because of her kidneys. or just totally withdrawl from all. Luckily, for me they did not and our faith was what kept us all going! I will pray for you and your family daily! Hang in there and i am here if you were to need vent, questions answered, or just a funny...i will be here!

Smiles for a great day!!!